Rappaccini! Rappaccini! And this is the upshot of your experiment?

we sat in the hallway

Not so long ago i went to a party with some friends.
They were new friends.
Now they are just friends.
Hopefully one day they will be old friends.

The party was the house warming of another friend i've know forever.
There were lots of people there that i'd ever met before and some whom i'd know and known and known.
It was a nice party but i didn't stay long.

we called a cab that didn't come.
so we called another and waited in the hallway, on the ground. i went outside to see if the cab was there - it was getting late and we didn't want to have to call another one.
i looked back into the hallway and saw that my new friends were speaking to my old friends. i didn't go back in. i stayed outside and waited.

this is a fragment

partly to hide his poetry from his father.

go-loudly

this is what jess told me.

i had to catch a plane the other day.
i was coming home.
my friend jess was on the same flight but we were late checking in and we had to sit apart. we were three rows away from each other, it doesn't sound like much but on the plane going through strong winds, at night, over the ocean, it really was.
i could just see the top of her head.

when we got to sydney it was dark and people pushed to get in front a the baggage-claim-sushi-train. jess told me she had been sitting next to an older couple. she called them old but when i saw them i told her they were just older. she said they were talking about their other partners and she thought they were having an affair. he was tall and bald. she was short and plump. apparently they were really happy, and in love. jess said they kept kissing. really loudly. and that they were all hands.

i think they saw me looking at them.
i was looking at their hands.

they left separately.

these are memories and other.

Symphony in Blues

pointless - les point

i had a dream that my brother was an outlaw and that he was on the run.

He'd just returned home after a while away and didn't know that he was in trouble or that there was a bounty on his head.
I didn't know how much that bounty was but the number was so big that no one would mention it out loud.

Mum and dad were really poor. They had gone to try and nick stuff for the house. My mum looked at her prospective belongings with the discerning eye of a someone with a lot more choice.

the majority of the dream was spent working out codes to use in letters to my brother. and where to hide the codes in my house, which was my old house, the house thats sold.

dad kept saying 'i can't believe this all started over some car chase'

then i woke up and it was all a dream

...

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this worries me.

happy?

my camera broke.
and i had to give the good one back to work.
but my lovely mother gave me an old one of hers.
the screen is cracked and only glows white so you can't see the photos you've taken till they're on your computer. and when you turn the thing on you have to flick menu button and then bang it on the side before lens opens up. i love it.

so
this is what has been my lately, lately.








Happy?

things that my mum kept

i watched my mum go through old paintings and drawing and merit cards the other day. She had a bag full of pictures and work my brother and i had done as kids. it was a stange thing. i went through some of the painitings and could rememer doing them, and they didn't look any different to me than when i had done them. i still saw what i had as a kid. but i could also see that mostly they were just scribble, and smudges of paint.

mum looked mostly at the things my brother had done.

he was always a good drawer, you could tell from his work as a little kid he was good at art

she had kept all the certificates we had received . Merit certificates
for being quiet and well behaved
for having interesting experiences
for sitting still
for being kind to small creatures
for remembering lots of words in italian
for playing well with others.

Mum showed me a book that my brother had written in kindy. it was only 4 pages long. instead of words he had written the first letter of each word he'd wanted to write and the teacher had written the words out underneath.

the illustrations were so good for such a little kid

the last page was covered with stickers which were placed with care around the illistrations. underneath the teacher had written

i can't beleive it, fantastic, even better than before!!!

more sky than sense

Fake Vacation

more meals.

BREAKFAST


DINNER

here he is

things i bought with money to survive

garage sale

today i went to a garage sale that was across the road from my apartment.
the house had a sign - 'sat sun garage sale here' - without any punctuation.
i walked into someone's front yard, and picked things up and asked them how much they were worth to them. And they told me, and some things i decided weren't worth that to me, and so i put them back.
Other things were worth what they said. One was a giant orange and black jumper. i asked the lady how much and she told me and then said 'its a classic, my husband used to wear that' and i bought it and went home, across the street, and tried it on, and wanted to wear it out but didn't because i couldn't help feeling her husband was dead, or had left her for someone else and me wearing her worthless or priceless husband's, worthless or priceless orange and black hoodie, up and down the street was kind of indiscreet.

so i didn't wear it - i wore something else.
they will have more stuff out tommorrow maybe. i might go back.

things that are next to my bed

obviously i am super hip and cool.
that is knitting in the bag, if you cant tell.

this I made and ate for breakfast

i made all this in just 7 minutes - it was my pre-exam meal.
it doesn't look as good as it was. which was very.

this is how holly and ruby show me that they haven't forgotten me.

they send me all types of things.
some aren't on the wall, or this wall at least.


they are nice to me those two.

here's this

Jabber IM with RUBY CELESTE RUFF-LANDER <**********@gmail.com>22/06/09 11:17 PM

hey lovley!
hi sweety!
whats doing on the lower east side?
got up early for once and i'm finally going to a kind of supermarket - they don't really have them here- for the first time so i can stop starving!
they don;t have supermarkets?
not really, just many many corner store delis where you have to ask for the butter and stuff - random
thats still cool
what they do do good is cheap hot and tasty snaks that aren't half bad - much better than in aust where everything is no less than 8 bucks
hey sorry i couldn't talk on sunday was making mum and dad cupcakes
did they like them?
yes loved em ...its just hit me that they will be gone too in a couple of months
IN a couple?when do they leave?
august 19
yeah, but just think - then it's only a few months till we are all reunited!!!
yeah - but its just such shit timing. everyone is gone at one - it is ridiculous
i'm thinking that my $$$ will be totally drained by jan, and i might spend 3 weeksaround bankok
really not going comming to have new years in gay paris?
ofcourse!! no i mean after you depart! yeah, it was just a thought - that or i come home for summer - which could also be great!
you could come home ith meeee! i could bring you hoooome!
when do yuo leave for aust again?
before the 29th of jan
why?
wedding
rrrright
rrrrrright yourself - you making fun?
maybe but yeah - looks like you will be bringing me home .
but i don't want to bring you home and you to be all ''waaaah australia sucks, i wish i was overseas again, i don;t want to go back' becuase then i leabe you in bangers!
do you want to come to bangers? before the wedding?you might get bored of gay pari!?
perhaps but proooooblyz not!

it's so weird being here - and having to have purpose every day.
yeah having a purpose is boring when you have to have one then cruitial when your just existing
please graffiti that ll over the city

this is my life right now

and that's my lunch on the heater.

these are pictures of things

things that happened on my way home.

i walked home tonight.
i arrived home at 1.00am
the time is now 1.09am.
here is what happened on my walk.


i exited the apartment building through the front door.
i walked one way, thinking that it would take me home and then stopped.
i looked the other way and decided the other way was the way which would lead to my home.
i walked until i heard the beach then turned left.
i walked up a bit, till i came to a corner i didn't recognise, then turned right, just to turn left again.
as i walked down Wiora st i saw a figure walking towards me on my side of the street.
the figure moved slowly and i could tell it was a boy with deadlocks because of the way the light lit him from behind.
i saw he was staggering and moving more side to side than he was forwards.

as i approached him i saw he was about the same height as me.
he staggered side to side, forward. Side to side, forward.
as i passed him, feeling superior in my strictly forward motion, i whispered ' everything will be okay'.
he stopped.
i kept walking, passed another pedestrian, then looked back.
he was still stopped.
i kept walking and two police cars wizzed past, down Wiora, right onto Blair.
i looked back and the boy with the dreadlocks was still standing there.

for a second i throught about going back to make sure he was okay - but before i knew it i was home.

i'm sure he started moving again, and went back to where he lived, and sat down and thought about what just happened.
i'm sure that when he did, he would have realized that everything really would be okay.

or maybe he's still standing there.
who knows.

Things i thought i have already written

Does You Inspire You - Chairlift.
track 2 - planet health.

listen to it.

have i already written this?
this feels like deja-vu.

things that i disappeared

There is a cemetery in the suburb where I used to live that has a huge fig tree growing on the grounds. Around it are huddled gravestones which rise and fall into the earth like silent drunks frozen just before they topple down. When I was a kid that tree was hiding place. It was where I went when whenever something needed disappearing.
I went back to see that tree. I was just in the neighboured. I just wanting to have a look around and I was just seeing what had changed.
But not really.
When I got there it wasn’t as huge as it used to be, and there was hardly any grass around its roots. Just dust, dirt dust. It was still beautiful. Just less impressive. It was less like I remembered it.
I stood at the bottom of the tree. I wanted to get down and dig and finds the things I’d disappeared. Somewhere in the dirt around the tree there would be a empty packet of tim-tams, a broken perfume bottle, charms from Christmas crackers (sneakily stolen from their packets in September) and other things… probably. I wanted to get down and dig for those things but I was too embarrassed.
So I didn’t. I walked away. I'm an adult. I have other things to do.

The wrong Ash.

Date:
19/05/2009
Time:
7.13 am
Type:
text message
From:
+61402601403
Hey garry and ash, really sorry im feeling pretty sick today and wont be comimh in to work

Date:
19/05/2009
Time:
7.30 am
Type:
text message
to:
+61402601403
Really? Who is this?

Time:
7.38 am
Type:
text message
From:
+61402601403
Um, its dave. Im the one who sits next to gary and always breaks the printer

Date:
19/05/2009
Time:
7.52 am
Type:
text message
to:
+61402601403
Well dave, i think you might have the wrong ash. i don't work with gary and our printer works like a charm

Time:
7.56 am
Type:
text message
From:
+61402601403
Oh, sorry for bothering you

Th Lady who sat next to me was knitting

Today i caught the bus to the house my parents are renting.
There was only one seat on the bus next to a girl dressed all in black, and she was sitting on the outside edge, staring intently into her book, not moving, so i couldn't sit down. I glared at her forehead until she shifted her knees to one side. i had to squeeze past into the pokey corner seat. I hated her intensely for half a minute and then saw the book she was reading was written in chinese and though perhaps she didn't know what i wanted and didn't have enough language to ask.
She got off and another lady sat down. i tried very hard to be accommodating. I wanted her to feel welcome to share this blue seat with me. As she sat made I little shifting movements to one side. I fussed over moving the arm of my jacket of the seat for her, so she could sit comfortably and didn't have to feel crowded.
she said thank you without making eye contact.
i said no worries without making eye contact.
the trip went well from there i think. we shared the seat from just before Newtown to just after Chippendale.
Just before Chippendale I streched a little and she moved and i said

oh sorry did i draw on you?

because i had a highlighter in my hand when i did my stretch.
and she said

no, its just these seats, they are so uncomfortable.

after that i didn't care so much about her. It was clear she had made her mind up not to like the seat, and i was not going to try any harder than i already had to make her feel at home.
she got off just after chippendale.
as she was standing in the isle, i pulled my bag up off the floor and put it on the seat next to me.
Just to show her that i wouldn't be making that kind of effort again.

I Have Hurt My Knee

and am in no mood for chit chat.

My not Home.

i went to say good bye to my parents house because they sold it and now it is someone else's house. I was worried as we drove over. Scott told me it wasn't a good thing to do because it was upsetting. i told him i wanted to do it anyway. Mum said it wasn't our house without our stuff in it so it shouldn't worry me. Dad didn't really say much. When we arrived he looked tired but cheerful. Without any furniture or paintings all the rooms looked bigger. The ceilings looked higher. The whole place echoed more.
The new owners had already sent their builders in. I heard them before i saw them. and when i walked into the sun-room, they were knocking through what used to be the wall of my bedroom, pulling down the cupboards.
i wanted to check all the cupboards and draws and make sure we hadn't left them any of our things. Mum looked in the dishwasher to check it wasn't full.
I cried a bit as we drove away. But i was shaken more than actually upset.
mum told me later that she went back and they had ripped all the plants out of the garden.
They didn't really need to do that.

this is what it soudns like where i work

mouse click, mouse click mouse, bangles jingle on desk click mouse move scrape, chair creak tap tap type, mouse click, door open, door close, mouse click, key lock, sneeze, bless you, door open door close, sigh, phone vibrate, printer start, mouse roll, girls laugh, 3 times, draw close, saucer clink, scratch, drop pen, mouse click, sigh, tap tap typing. and all the time the air conditioning in the back ground

yesterday i did nothing

i came into work on a sunday. i have a paper to finish and its taking a long time. the whole place is quiet. no ones around. its stange to see all the lights on but nobody here. the only sound is the noise of the air conditioner. and the sound of the building. It's new but it still cracks and creeks intermitnetly. and the airconditioning blows on. it is just me, and this computer, in this place. i read for what seems like house but is actually minutes. i get nothing done. the more i read the more confused i get. i change tactic, not reading and just writting.i write for what seems like minutes but is actually hours. and the air conditioning blows on. and then its dark and i'm outside and i'm walking to my car. and i think, what did i achieve today.
And the answer booms back at me, from the black sky, a resounding nothing.

Breakfast Ritual

what would you like? tea?
no, just toast this morning.
no tea?
nope. just toast.
okay, brown or white?
white, with vegimite.
butter?
yes
but just a bit?
yes.
and no drink?
no.

oh yeah by the way this is me.

oh yeah by the way this is me.

oh yeah by the way this is me.

I think i'm back.

The other day I was working and I looked out my window and I saw this. It was strange but makes me smile when I think of it.

Sydney I love you, But your bringing me down.

Things

As I came home today I thought of small things that make me smile. Things that I'm not sure if they make other people smile, or if other people ignore them.
Turning on the lights in my apartment when i get home makes me happy.
And little kids pretending to be adults, like wearing suits, or sunglasses does to.
And seeing people dressed a certain way, like carrying flippers and a kick board, so you can tell where they are going even though you don't know them, that makes me smile, but secretly because mostly people are very serious.
I collect all these instances, every time I see one and keep them in my head, and when i think about them when I need to, or sometimes just now and again.

I started thinking about my collections of instances because I saw a pregnant lady with her little girl at their letter box. the little girl was pulling letters out of the letter box one by one one by one and handing them to the lady. and the girl was so excited with ever letter that she pulled out.
I still get excited about checking the letter box. I hardly ever get mail and when I do it is mostly bad news. But I just really like opening it up and seeing letters.

Today when i got home and checked the letter box, there was a postcard from new york in there.
From my friends to me.

room with a view