things that i disappeared

There is a cemetery in the suburb where I used to live that has a huge fig tree growing on the grounds. Around it are huddled gravestones which rise and fall into the earth like silent drunks frozen just before they topple down. When I was a kid that tree was hiding place. It was where I went when whenever something needed disappearing.
I went back to see that tree. I was just in the neighboured. I just wanting to have a look around and I was just seeing what had changed.
But not really.
When I got there it wasn’t as huge as it used to be, and there was hardly any grass around its roots. Just dust, dirt dust. It was still beautiful. Just less impressive. It was less like I remembered it.
I stood at the bottom of the tree. I wanted to get down and dig and finds the things I’d disappeared. Somewhere in the dirt around the tree there would be a empty packet of tim-tams, a broken perfume bottle, charms from Christmas crackers (sneakily stolen from their packets in September) and other things… probably. I wanted to get down and dig for those things but I was too embarrassed.
So I didn’t. I walked away. I'm an adult. I have other things to do.

The wrong Ash.

Date:
19/05/2009
Time:
7.13 am
Type:
text message
From:
+61402601403
Hey garry and ash, really sorry im feeling pretty sick today and wont be comimh in to work

Date:
19/05/2009
Time:
7.30 am
Type:
text message
to:
+61402601403
Really? Who is this?

Time:
7.38 am
Type:
text message
From:
+61402601403
Um, its dave. Im the one who sits next to gary and always breaks the printer

Date:
19/05/2009
Time:
7.52 am
Type:
text message
to:
+61402601403
Well dave, i think you might have the wrong ash. i don't work with gary and our printer works like a charm

Time:
7.56 am
Type:
text message
From:
+61402601403
Oh, sorry for bothering you

Th Lady who sat next to me was knitting

Today i caught the bus to the house my parents are renting.
There was only one seat on the bus next to a girl dressed all in black, and she was sitting on the outside edge, staring intently into her book, not moving, so i couldn't sit down. I glared at her forehead until she shifted her knees to one side. i had to squeeze past into the pokey corner seat. I hated her intensely for half a minute and then saw the book she was reading was written in chinese and though perhaps she didn't know what i wanted and didn't have enough language to ask.
She got off and another lady sat down. i tried very hard to be accommodating. I wanted her to feel welcome to share this blue seat with me. As she sat made I little shifting movements to one side. I fussed over moving the arm of my jacket of the seat for her, so she could sit comfortably and didn't have to feel crowded.
she said thank you without making eye contact.
i said no worries without making eye contact.
the trip went well from there i think. we shared the seat from just before Newtown to just after Chippendale.
Just before Chippendale I streched a little and she moved and i said

oh sorry did i draw on you?

because i had a highlighter in my hand when i did my stretch.
and she said

no, its just these seats, they are so uncomfortable.

after that i didn't care so much about her. It was clear she had made her mind up not to like the seat, and i was not going to try any harder than i already had to make her feel at home.
she got off just after chippendale.
as she was standing in the isle, i pulled my bag up off the floor and put it on the seat next to me.
Just to show her that i wouldn't be making that kind of effort again.

I Have Hurt My Knee

and am in no mood for chit chat.

My not Home.

i went to say good bye to my parents house because they sold it and now it is someone else's house. I was worried as we drove over. Scott told me it wasn't a good thing to do because it was upsetting. i told him i wanted to do it anyway. Mum said it wasn't our house without our stuff in it so it shouldn't worry me. Dad didn't really say much. When we arrived he looked tired but cheerful. Without any furniture or paintings all the rooms looked bigger. The ceilings looked higher. The whole place echoed more.
The new owners had already sent their builders in. I heard them before i saw them. and when i walked into the sun-room, they were knocking through what used to be the wall of my bedroom, pulling down the cupboards.
i wanted to check all the cupboards and draws and make sure we hadn't left them any of our things. Mum looked in the dishwasher to check it wasn't full.
I cried a bit as we drove away. But i was shaken more than actually upset.
mum told me later that she went back and they had ripped all the plants out of the garden.
They didn't really need to do that.

this is what it soudns like where i work

mouse click, mouse click mouse, bangles jingle on desk click mouse move scrape, chair creak tap tap type, mouse click, door open, door close, mouse click, key lock, sneeze, bless you, door open door close, sigh, phone vibrate, printer start, mouse roll, girls laugh, 3 times, draw close, saucer clink, scratch, drop pen, mouse click, sigh, tap tap typing. and all the time the air conditioning in the back ground

yesterday i did nothing

i came into work on a sunday. i have a paper to finish and its taking a long time. the whole place is quiet. no ones around. its stange to see all the lights on but nobody here. the only sound is the noise of the air conditioner. and the sound of the building. It's new but it still cracks and creeks intermitnetly. and the airconditioning blows on. it is just me, and this computer, in this place. i read for what seems like house but is actually minutes. i get nothing done. the more i read the more confused i get. i change tactic, not reading and just writting.i write for what seems like minutes but is actually hours. and the air conditioning blows on. and then its dark and i'm outside and i'm walking to my car. and i think, what did i achieve today.
And the answer booms back at me, from the black sky, a resounding nothing.

Breakfast Ritual

what would you like? tea?
no, just toast this morning.
no tea?
nope. just toast.
okay, brown or white?
white, with vegimite.
butter?
yes
but just a bit?
yes.
and no drink?
no.

oh yeah by the way this is me.

oh yeah by the way this is me.

oh yeah by the way this is me.

I think i'm back.

The other day I was working and I looked out my window and I saw this. It was strange but makes me smile when I think of it.